its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
