new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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