Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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