Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
