There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
