apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
