i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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