Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
