Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
