So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
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Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
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Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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