Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
