you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
