My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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