T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
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Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
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I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Boobs are out for the taking
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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