note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
