You smell like a Billy Joel song
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
