i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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