It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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