The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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