I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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