Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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