Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
