If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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