Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can't put those talents on a resume
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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