I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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