he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
