to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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