when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
