Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
