I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
