my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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