I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
