M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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