When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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