Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
