Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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