I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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