1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
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He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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