I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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