okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
