I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Mom said you looked used
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
