Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
