so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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