Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
