Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Randomize
