I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
this must be what syphilis tastes like
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
