i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
