tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
