Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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