if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
