When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
