I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
