I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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