For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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