I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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