If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
