Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
