I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
