Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
