How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
